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Switching Teams: The Ending

9 May, 2011

Today was the last full day of my biological, birth hormone levels. In some ways this is my last day as a member of Gender M. It’s funny, but this transition has a lot of last days built into it. The last day I thought of myself as part of Gender M; the last days others consider me part of Gender M; the last day so-so and so-so talked to me; et cetera. It’s a slow process with lots of little steps. For example, a month from now I will be spending my last day legally A with marker M and the following day I’ll be legally Caitlin with the marker F.

And there’s the B-side. Each of these last days is the gate to a first day. Tomorrow will be my first day as part of Gender F, hormonally, which according to some is the part that matters most. It will be the first day of playing for the other team and swinging hard for those fences to show I’m every bit as feminine and female as my birth-born teammates.

I’ve noticed this team mentality in how friendships have been playing out. I had always had a few more female than male friends, a sixty/forty split, but now the balance is heavily skewed toward the female at eighty/twenty. Part of that is I have lost a number of friends, but the unique observation about this is which friends I have lost and which have stayed. Those figures typically have a definite gender and religious slant to them. Most of the ones who fall away are male and Christian.

My mind spins and plays out like line unspooling from a fishing reel after Babe Winckelmann has cast for the deep, shadowy, pools. How can you walk away from a friendship years or decades in the making? The attitude is beyond me. As part of Gender M, I was miserable, short-tempered, and wasting away. As a member of Gender F, I am happy, confident, and healthy. Empirical evidence alone is enough to convince any skeptic of the transition’s worth, not to mention the emotional and social evidence. But not only do a number of males, Christians, and conservatives deny the evidence, but they deny me. Now I’m not saying you should be listening for cocks to crow thrice, but to walk away from something you’ve spent so much energy building strikes me as an over reaction. Either they are unable to reconcile mistaken/outdated/ill-founded beliefs with the veritas before them or they have something about themselves they wish to change or express and, too fearful to do so, they hide from what reminds them of their own ability/inability to do something about it. And thus I have found myself with half the number of friends I once had.

The truly fascinating people are those who vehemently believe I am wrong for what I am doing but stick beside me to offer support. I am at a loss to describe the rich and noble character these people posses. The untainted hearts when merged with their pure beliefs and their longing for what is best for their friend must leave them with an internal dissonance that is at times unbearable, a great rending feedback enough to make the pores in your ear lobes bleed. Toward these people (such as Manders, Josher, GNome, Ro-bear, and Suzette) I tip my heart and pour out my empathy, love, and admiration. For, like myself, they do not care what team I play on, and they posses the strength of character to move past, around, or beyond their inner judge and accept their friend for who she is.

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