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Panic Attack

10 February, 2012

Trigger Warning: Anxiety

I was heading out to my support group meeting when the anxiety hit. It was triggered when I entered the hall and saw my kitty-corner neighbours talking and drinking in the hall. They are the neighbours I believe to have defaced my door. And they were just standing there, five meters from my door and twice that from their door. Standing between me and the elevator. I would have been forced to go by them to leave. I knew I had to go soon, but I could not just go by them. I was immobilized and the panic was welling up inside me until I felt like I was going to vibrate into a trillion pieces if I did not do something.

I could not go forward; I went back inside. I needed to feel sheltered, to feel safe. I laid on the floor between the ottoman and the couch with the lights off, the blinds shut, and the cat sitting on my sternum purring. After a lot of deep breathing and what felt like decades, but was less than thirty minutes, I began to feel better but it was too late to make it to my meeting.

Now, I am trying not to be down on myself. This was not my fault, I did not choose to have a panic attack, but I still feel guilty for missing group.

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