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“I Ate the Bits”

1 September, 2013

i just finished rewatching the entirety of Firefly; i do it at least once a year. It really was an incredible show and it is a shame that Fox did not give it a fair chance.

River is my favourite character, she is the one i relate to. She is different, an outlier. People are disturbed by her, are afraid of her, and judge her without compassion or considering the horrors she’s come through. They just think of her as crazy. i know what that’s like.

With the start of the new school year, i’ve been going through that. i’ve been dealing (for the third year) with IT people who refuse to use my legal name for my email and calendar, had all manner of verbal abuse heaped on me, gotten no help or even recognition from my union, and there are parents filing complaints that someone who is “unbalanced” (because that’s the only explination they can come up with for who i am) is in a classroom. There are kids who haven’t been to a single class because their parents think being in the same room as me will damage them.

Bad days come. The chaos of dysphoria, the memories of abuse (verbal, physical, sexual), the knowledge i’ll always be different, and i feel filled by those dark things. I feel other, unsafe, a burden on those around me. So, yeah, i get River.

i, also, get there’s more than that. The fact she finds a little family on Serenity that sees beyond her past and how she is different inspires hope. i’ve got my own little family (my girlfriend, my bestie, even have my own Wash telling bad jokes) and they do for me what the crew does for River. They help me feel normal; days with them are good days.

“i ate the bits. The bits did stay down. And i work. i… function like i’m a girl.” ~River Tam

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